Category: General

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. “Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”

Dopey asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……

“Dopey screwed a penguin!”……
“Dopey screwed a penguin!”……

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Spot” I made the mistake of calling mine “Sex”.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said “I’d like to have one too!” Then I said “But this is for a dog.” He said “I don’t care what she looks like.” Then I said “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised, he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, “I’ve come for my dog.” She said, “Which one Spot or Rover?” I said, “What about Sex?” She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I’m looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor I had Sex before I was married.” He said “What’s your point, so did I.” I said “But my wife wants to take Sex away.” He said “That’s what happens in a divorce.”

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I was looking for Sex……. My case comes up Friday.

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

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Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me.

So, take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed Rich As H*ll and Free!