Too Old to Squat

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it.He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ”There is no justice in this world.” The other lady asked what she meant.

“Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I’m 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I’m too old to squat!”

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? 

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know  there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles  are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their  vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down  to give the vacuum one more chance? 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s  falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in  summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your  wife told you to do it? 

And finally,………… The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is  suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends,  if they are okay, then…

Times have changed

25 years ago……

A program was … a television show
An application was .. for employment
Windows were….. something u hated to clean
A cusor … used profanity
A keyboard was …a piano
Memory was….. something u lost with age
A CD was… a bank account
If u unzipped in public u went to jail
Compress was something u did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to fire
A backup happened to your toilet
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut.. u did with scissors
paste.. u did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu!!

.. Times surely have changed

A Visit to Mental Asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, “What is the critera that defines a patient to be institutionalized?” “Well…” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to  empty the bathtub.”

  1. Would you use the spoon?
  2. Would you use the teacup?
  3. Would you use the bucket?

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would  choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“Noooooo,” answered the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

The Pope's last request

As Pope John Paul II was dying; he sent for Tafa Balogun and Dipereye to come to the Vatican.When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom. As they entered, the clergyman held out his hands and motioned them to sit on each side
of the bed.

The Pope grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both Tafa and Dipereye were touched and flattered that the old Pope would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the Pope never gave any indication that he liked either one of them. Finally, Tafa asked,

“Father, what for did you ask the two of us to come ‘here?”

The old Pope mustered up some strength & said weakly,

“Jesus died between two thieves, I will like to die like him”