Category: Personal

This is what some of the great men have thought about marriage and Women….. Some when trying to be humorous…… What a shame.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. –David Bissonette

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. — Dumas

The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, “What does a woman want? — Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -Sam Gromwell

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

“The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.” – Colin Chapman

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. – Stanley Greaves

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his check book open. — Groucho Marx

My wife only has two complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space. – Crasto

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spent less than my wife did. – Rodney Dangerfield

A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.”

The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The rastaman sat for a while contemplating…then slowly rose. “Your Honor, If I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it…’I and I’ or the machine’s?”

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. “Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”

Dopey asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……

“Dopey screwed a penguin!”……
“Dopey screwed a penguin!”……

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Spot” I made the mistake of calling mine “Sex”.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said “I’d like to have one too!” Then I said “But this is for a dog.” He said “I don’t care what she looks like.” Then I said “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised, he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, “I’ve come for my dog.” She said, “Which one Spot or Rover?” I said, “What about Sex?” She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I’m looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor I had Sex before I was married.” He said “What’s your point, so did I.” I said “But my wife wants to take Sex away.” He said “That’s what happens in a divorce.”

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I was looking for Sex……. My case comes up Friday.